This week has been shit.
My spirits are down, I've had more than my share of emotional breakdowns, and I am stuck between allowing myself to wallow in ridiculous time-sucks like self pity and trying to snap out of it already.
I'm ready for the weekend. Ready to throw myself into some of the work we've started that's been on hiatus. Darrick has state wrestling championships this weekend, so in his absence I have some big plans. Taking the kids to the park. Grocery shopping and meal planning. Brainstorming a possible kitchen remodel that would involve moving some counters and creating an island. Finally finishing flooring transitions and caulking the foundation downstairs. Building up the bathroom cabinets to the proper height. Buying paint, choosing tile, and putting greenboard in the shower surround so we can tile the wall.
Look, I know how that sounds. My life is lame, right? My weekend plans include building things and planning meals and paint...and I'm looking forward to these things? What have I become?!?
The truth is, there are some times in my life when I need to bury myself elbow-deep in work. Not the sitting-in-the-office-with-a-to-do-list kind of work, but the there's-paint-in-my-hair-and-stain-on-my-elbows-and-hand-me-the-drill-please work. My husband likes to tease that if he wants a clean kitchen, he just needs to irritate me a bit. And it's true. The monotony of cleaning and cooking and sunshine and hard work soothes my soul. There's something about honest work that gives my brain the freedom to sort through the issues I normally try to stuff behind the couch and ignore. And there's something even better about stepping away from a Saturday of hard work and knowing that my mind is clear and my house looks better.
I've been buried under stress lately, firing off responses to flagged emails 20 minutes after I was supposed to leave the office and crying to Luca's preschool teacher (true - and humiliating - story) and holding back tears over things that would normally not even phase me. My life is at a weird point right now where I don't feel like I know where I'm headed next. There are big decisions on the horizon for me and for us as a family, and all of them have the potential to be amazing and make our lives even better. Not one of them is bad, but the anxiety of making scary new decisions and the uncertainty over what the right choice is cause me to panic. I want to take a week to lay under a blanket on the couch and watch every sappy romantic comedy and crappy show on my DVR possible. I want to tear out kitchen cabinets and appliances and spend hours sanding and cutting and staining and painting. I don't know what I want.
What I am trying to do is this: channel that mindless distraction that leads to mental clarity and which I now get from things like washing and hanging all the laundry and putting it away in perfect ROYGBIV order into running. Write a to-do list to rival all to-do lists and check off every last item, one by one. Purge and clean and organize, in hopes that organizing my home will lend order to my mind and my life. Save money. Enjoy long mornings at the park, watching my kids hold hands in a sea of other kids. Eat slices of fresh, sweet oranges picked from my mom's orange trees.
My brain is all over the place. This weekend, my goal is direction and clarity. I am going to check off items on my to-do list and find time to make popcorn and hot chocolate and watch movies cuddled under a blanket with my family.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2011: A Year in Posts.
I've never done this before, but I've been looking back over my year as chronicled on this blog, and I thought it would be fun to spotlight some of the bigger, more pivotal, and even funnier moments in 2011. Because nothing says posterity like a link-fest.
In January, Rohan got a big boy bed to convert his nursery to a big boy room. ::sniff:: The shooting of Congresswoman Giffords and several other people in Tucson hit me hard, but then the beauty of other humans touched me deeply. Luca and I learned how to meet in our dreams and she made my mama heart soar so high. We ended our long love affair with the Brawny Man (and are still going strong a year later!). And my Real Mom self met my Super Mom self in a dark alley.
In February, we lolled about in sunshine for hours on end. Luca drew her first family portrait.
In March, Luca gave me an anatomy lesson to remember and I reflected on how there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Luca continued the trend in potentially uncomfortable car conversations about adult topics by asking how a baby is born. My sunshine boy turned 2. Luca started ballet and reminded me once again how she is wise beyond her years.
In April, I waxed poetic about my mom coming into her own as Grandma. I soaked up some alone time with my kids. I discovered a secret rainbow and talked about Rohan, who is my little wallaby baby (strange enough, this was one of my most popular posts of the year...who knew wallabies were such a hot thing?), and then I bitched a bit about him being SO TWO.
In May I talked about fat thighs and the pressures of raising a girl. Luca turned 4, which still seems too old to be possible, and I showed off my cute carpool buddy. We built forts and took walks with Sleeping Beauty.
In June, I looked back on how much Luca had changed in a year and shared how Rohan potty-trained himself at just over 2 years old. We celebrated Father's Day and the world's most amazing dad. I struggled with whether I will ever be happy in my body (another hot post for the year).
In July, we made the biggest update yet to our house, putting in laminate floors. Luca reminded me that one of the best things a parent can do is not overthink it and then she made sure I told her about how babies are born without skipping any parts.
In August, we took a camping trip to celebrate Darrick's birthday before Luca started preschool (for the second year). I had a big moment at work and made my TV debut on a nighttime public interest show, but almost let it be overshadowed with shame over my appearance. We put making a decision about more kids on the back burner.
In September, I talked life and death and how kids perceive it. Luca and Rohan had their first sleepover with the grandparents. I talked about the sweet spot we're in with a 2 year old and 4 year old. I felt some visceral growing pains realizing that my kids won't need me forever like they need me now.
In October, we said goodbye to Ruby, our beloved dog of over 12 years. I spent my month with a focus on saying nice things. I chopped off about a foot of hair and Luca had her first dentist visit. My husband reminded me why I love him so and I got a nice response to my say nice things-inspired awkward Facebooking.
In November, we recapped Halloween and looked forward to the end of 2011. I started training for my first 5k and realized my ass claps in appreciation, and we showed our own appreciation (for ass clapping and all other things) with our Thankful Wall. I also finally unveiled our new french doors, which were installed in July but not completed until November. I marveled at my husband and his knack for teaching our kids the right lessons without even trying.
In December, I tried to learn how to just say thank you. We spent one weekend on the coast and the next in the snow. I did my first 20 minute training run for the 5k in January. We decked the halls and the giant ass tree for Christmas. I set out in writing some goals for 2012, and then kicked them off right by buying some organization tools and running for 25 minutes straight for the first time in my life.
In January, Rohan got a big boy bed to convert his nursery to a big boy room. ::sniff:: The shooting of Congresswoman Giffords and several other people in Tucson hit me hard, but then the beauty of other humans touched me deeply. Luca and I learned how to meet in our dreams and she made my mama heart soar so high. We ended our long love affair with the Brawny Man (and are still going strong a year later!). And my Real Mom self met my Super Mom self in a dark alley.
In February, we lolled about in sunshine for hours on end. Luca drew her first family portrait.
In March, Luca gave me an anatomy lesson to remember and I reflected on how there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Luca continued the trend in potentially uncomfortable car conversations about adult topics by asking how a baby is born. My sunshine boy turned 2. Luca started ballet and reminded me once again how she is wise beyond her years.
In April, I waxed poetic about my mom coming into her own as Grandma. I soaked up some alone time with my kids. I discovered a secret rainbow and talked about Rohan, who is my little wallaby baby (strange enough, this was one of my most popular posts of the year...who knew wallabies were such a hot thing?), and then I bitched a bit about him being SO TWO.
In May I talked about fat thighs and the pressures of raising a girl. Luca turned 4, which still seems too old to be possible, and I showed off my cute carpool buddy. We built forts and took walks with Sleeping Beauty.
In June, I looked back on how much Luca had changed in a year and shared how Rohan potty-trained himself at just over 2 years old. We celebrated Father's Day and the world's most amazing dad. I struggled with whether I will ever be happy in my body (another hot post for the year).
In July, we made the biggest update yet to our house, putting in laminate floors. Luca reminded me that one of the best things a parent can do is not overthink it and then she made sure I told her about how babies are born without skipping any parts.
In August, we took a camping trip to celebrate Darrick's birthday before Luca started preschool (for the second year). I had a big moment at work and made my TV debut on a nighttime public interest show, but almost let it be overshadowed with shame over my appearance. We put making a decision about more kids on the back burner.
In September, I talked life and death and how kids perceive it. Luca and Rohan had their first sleepover with the grandparents. I talked about the sweet spot we're in with a 2 year old and 4 year old. I felt some visceral growing pains realizing that my kids won't need me forever like they need me now.
In October, we said goodbye to Ruby, our beloved dog of over 12 years. I spent my month with a focus on saying nice things. I chopped off about a foot of hair and Luca had her first dentist visit. My husband reminded me why I love him so and I got a nice response to my say nice things-inspired awkward Facebooking.
In November, we recapped Halloween and looked forward to the end of 2011. I started training for my first 5k and realized my ass claps in appreciation, and we showed our own appreciation (for ass clapping and all other things) with our Thankful Wall. I also finally unveiled our new french doors, which were installed in July but not completed until November. I marveled at my husband and his knack for teaching our kids the right lessons without even trying.
In December, I tried to learn how to just say thank you. We spent one weekend on the coast and the next in the snow. I did my first 20 minute training run for the 5k in January. We decked the halls and the giant ass tree for Christmas. I set out in writing some goals for 2012, and then kicked them off right by buying some organization tools and running for 25 minutes straight for the first time in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
