I Am.

All my life, I've never liked to share big things.

I wanted to keep the sex and names of both kids a secret, even choosing the second time to not find out the sex nor decide on a name for certain until the day our son was born. The truth was, we had an ultrasound at about 14 weeks where I was fairly certain I saw a penis, but it was never confirmed nor denied, so I let it rest and decided I didn't really know and therefore I wouldn't share that information. Sorry, friends who are reading that for the first time.

I didn't tell a lot of people when I got engaged. They spotted my sparkler and asked, and the attention made me sort of uncomfortable.

I didn't even tell most people when we got pregnant with Luca until I was past 12 weeks, and same with Rohan.

I keep quiet (usually) about efforts to lose weight, plans to make over some part of my life, etc.

I am a fan of vague for a few reasons. Chief among these:

1. Vague allows me to not draw so much attention to things I don't love about myself (say, love handles you might notice were I to discuss my wish to do away with them).

2. Vague allows me to fail and save face.

But, for example, I've joined Weight Watchers (WW) no less than 4 times in my life. And the only time I really lost a decent amount rather quickly on WW was the time I threw pride and vagueness out the window and went to meetings to weigh in.

So I'm putting on a brave face and saying two thing here that I've been skirting around discussing for quite some time now. I alluded to them below, but it's time I just put them out there and let the universe scoop them up, swirl them around in circles, and toss them back into the wind. Here, then, is the vague explanation I posted earlier this week:

"On top of it, I've started considering ways in which two very different passions and loves of mine could parlay into...a profession?...a paid hobby?...a priority on my 'Me!' list? I'm not yet sure, but I know that it's important for me to follow the calling of both passions and see where they lead me. Until recently, they have been nothing but daydreams, but then the daydreams started to take over my thoughts more often than not to the point where I was constantly feeling like I was not being true to myself if I didn't look further. Small step #3: be true to self and look further."

And then, the truth, more plainly spelled out so that the universe knows just what exactly it might be scooping and swirling and tossing (good lord that made me crave an ice cream cone?):

Daydream 1: A long-standing daydream dating back to....high school? Certainly predating college and marriage and kids and career at very least. To write a book. Not even to get published, though certainly that would be the proverbial icing on the proverbial cake (man, I must be hungry...). Just to write it. To get it on paper and to have someone or maybe a lot of people read it. What stops me from this now is partly time (hello? time to blog though?) but mostly terror. Terror at having the things in my head spilled onto paper and then open to the laughter or horror or amusement or bemusement of people I don't know or...even more breath-stealing...people I do know. But I have one book all but written in my head already, small excerpts scribbled onto the unmarked side of a piece of green construction paper; the other side decorated by my only daughter. So. Why not?

Daydream 2: This one is harder to write about because it's more recent. Fresh. Raw. Terrfiying. And, from a practical point of view, writing it puts it not just in the universe but in the internet...free for the taking and digesting and scrutinizing I'm not convinced I am ready for. But....here it is: I am studying midwifery. I want to be a midwife, or at least right now I do and damn if I am not the least decisive and the most scattered when it comes to my hopes and dreams. But I do love pregnancy and babies and birth and all of it and I am so drawn to the whole masterpiece of midwifery. I talked myself in circles of 'It's a calling' and 'I don't even believe in callings, do I?' and 'You're still paying off your MSW!' and 'Your husband is not going to love a costly career change.' and then 'But your husband loves you.' and ended up with this: a commitment from my husband to support my exploration of this daydream, and a commitment to myself to submerge feet first and explore the shallows before diving in. So I joined a group and I bought some books and I confessed my dream to friends and....I'm now submerging. And loving it!

I think Small step #5 should have been: See how brave you really are.

Followed immediately by Small step 6: Don't choke on the panic.