Forgiveness.

Have you ever felt like there are just these issues out there, hangning over your head and making your heart feel a little sad? Things you need to air and then forgive, in order to move on with a happy heart?

And what if those things you needed to forgive...were things for which you needed to forgive YOURSELF?

I've made mistakes in my life. I have made decisions that have complicated things for me, and decisions that have been downright idiotic or ill-concieved. And I have also made an honest effort sometimes to be the best, 'best' being defined as the person I dream myself to be when I am feeling very self-righteous and fabulous in my own mind (I forgive myself, by the way, for self-righteous, but fabulous is something for which I will never ask forgiveness).

And so, in the spirit of Christmas coming soon and worries that have been plaguing me and things I just haven't managed to let go, I want to forgive myself so that I can move forward with a free heart.

For spending the first few months of Luca's life worrying about her small size and not trusting my Mama Gut, which told me it was all ok and it's just who she was. For not being able to enjoy that time like I wanted to, and for crying more tears than necessary.

For doubting myself when my parenting decisions came under fire.

For not using cloth diapers exclusively for Luca, and for not really using them at all with Rohan. OH, how I wanted to be a cloth diaper Mama (even back before it was the hipster thing to do), but with a husband who was resistant and a full time job it never worked out the way I hoped.

For not being financially able to be a stay at home mom, even when my heart broke every time I had to leave my babies for work, travel out of town, miss a bed time, supplement becuase I couldn't pump enough milk, miss a milestone, or miss kissing a skinned knee or a sleepy, honey sweet cheek.

For losing my temper with my husband and my kids, which doesn't happen too often, but still feels ugly every time it does.

For gaining too much weight while pregnant and not losing it.

For not producing enough milk with Luca despite every effort under the sun and for not making every effort under the sun with Rohan because I knew the heartbreak and stress it had caused the first time and didn't want to repeat it. For not being able to be the breastfeeding goddess I assumed I would naturally be.

For feeding my kids and myself McDonald's breakfast now and then.

For giving in on circumcision.

For despairing instead of hoping when Rohan was diagnosed with Masto, and for letting that cloud my days and overshadow my joy. For worrying about him being 'normal' or 'accepted' or 'having a disease' and feeling powerless.

For forgetting that the journey with Rohan's diagnosis made us all stronger.

For not saving more money before having kids.

For not saving any money after having kids.

For buying a house when we should have just rented for a year and waited out the falling market to get more house for less money.

For not being good with budgets.

For not listening to my husband with a more open mind.

For jealousy when it inspires ugliness (though not for the jealousy that makes you strive to be a better person).

For never sending out those thank you cards.

For always rushing and doing things last minute.

For credit card debt it feels like we will forever be 'working on paying off'.

For not being able to afford to really go after my calling at this point in my life.

For not shutting my mouth when I really should have.

For not being the super crunchy earth mama I so WANT to be sometimes, because life takes over and convenience wins over conviction.

For not forgiving myself sooner.

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Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love. --Mahatma Gandhi