Friday, June 20, 2008


Summertime in Arizona makes me feel mildly insane. It's not just HOT in Arizona, it's fucking disasterous blazing madness. Even more insane is all the silly people who move to Arizona because of out 'beautiful weather'. I have news for these people: 120 degrees is not beautiful weather, it's what I set an oven on to heat up rolls for dinner.

120 degrees is so hot, that standing outside on pavement, you can feel the bottoms of your feet starting to toast and sweat just drizzles down the small of your back.

120 degrees is so hot there's almost no point in even getting ready in the morning, since the walk to your car alone is done at 95 degree temperatures (at 6 am), and by the time your car cools down to comfortable, you have sweat so much you look like you just lost a wrestling match to Chinadoll.

120 degrees is so hot, that at night it never really gets a chance to cool down, so going outside on a breezy evening is akin to stepping in front of a giant blowdryer set on 'hot'.

It never fails to amuse me how 'foreigners' to this desert land tell themselves it's 'not that bad' and 'it's dry heat, so it's fine'. My friend and I were having this conversation today about her parents, and how they are from the midwest, but recently moved to Arizona. This friend lived here for 8-ish years. She knows better than to believe the hype. And yet, her mom insists on telling her 'Oh, 115 is not so bad. We're rather enjoying it. And the WINTER here is beautiful!'

People. PEOPLE! A mild winter (which, really, by midwestern standards could scarce be considered a winter at all) is NOT a fair trade for summers that start in April and last through October...sometimes November. It's not fair trade off for deodorant melting in your car when it falls out of your gym bag (or, in my case, when you slept in too late and tossed it in your work bag, to be applied while driving the madness of the I-10). It's not fair trade for 105 degree midnights and 95 degrees at 6 am. It's not a trade off for needing to drink 8,465 ounces of water a day to stay hydrated, only to discover you should probably be drinking more since you just realized you've only peed once all day. It's just not, people. And it's insanity to pretend it's ok and 'not that bad'.

What puzzles me even MORE is that people move to this hot ass desert, and I cannot figure out the draw. We're 36th in indicators of child wellness. We're 51st in providing summer food to poor children. Our education system is topped in shitiness by only a handful of states (we're one of those states that's always saying 'Thank god for the South!'). We give less money per student to public education than nearly every other state in the union, and we've got the low-wage labor force to show for it. AND, on top of all this, SUMMER HERE LASTS 6 MONTHS AND IS AKIN TO LIVING IN A GODDAMNED KILN!

Midwesterns: heed my warning. Don't move here. Just don't. Cuz I give you 2 summers, 3 max, before you're bitching about the heat like a local. And, on top of it, you people are always the ones lamenting how 'people in Arizona don't know how to drive!' when we all know PEOPLE IN ARIZONA WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE ARE YOU!


Lindsey J said...

I have an awesome idea! Move to Salt Lake - yes, you love it - you're a hippy and, contrary to popular belief, there are tons of hippies in SLC!

natalie said...

No, no, my friend - move to Portland!! I can see you enjoying the culture here. Everyone should come and visit me here. We just ate dinner outside again - 70 degrees!!! Love it.

Anonymous said...

I'd really love to move ANYWHERE but here (yes,I'm in the Midwest.) I don't love the heat in the summer (I've only been to Nevada though, never Arizona) but it beats the cold Winters here by far. Scraping off your car for 15 minutes in the morning while it warms up (and your hands freeze) is not fun. Frostbite on your feet after getting stuck in your car in the Winter in the days before cell phones will leave you with a permanent issue of your feet getting cold for no damn reason at all. Forever. Driving in the snow is not fun. People cannot drive on a normal day, give them a few white flakes and forget it. You have to leave at least 1/2 hour earlier for work (and for a non-morning person, this is nearly an impossible task!) I don't like Winter. I hate fall. I don't give a shiznit about changing of seasons. I need more heat and less humidity. The humidity here kills my love for the heat. Your hair sticks to your head or worse yet, frizzes out (even if it's not normally frizzy... it's an odd thing). You feel "sticky" and gross even if it's only 70 degrees with high humidity. I can be considered one of THOSE Midwesterners who dream of moving to the desert. Somehow it seems that bitching about the heat would be better than bitching about the cold..and driving in it.. and bundling up in 100 lbs of clothes before leaving the house. UGH. Imagine getting stuck somewhere in it! I am not looking forward to another Winter here. I would actually like to miss the cold - just once - to see if it really is that bad or if I'm just sick of it after 36 years here.

Brandi said...

LMAO!!!! It's 78 degrees w/blue skies and puffy white clouds here in Bend today.

Come to Oregon, Sister Wife. Bend is waiting for you. :)

Mere said...

I was going to explain how living in the Big MW is far better than living in a desert as - I lived in the MW for 18 years, the desert 9, then moved back to the MW...and now ..after living on the surface of the sun (AZ) and coming back - I am trying to figure out why I thought the weather here was so bad. It is just NOTHING compared to AZ - and I stand on a corner and wait for buses.

I will only say - what I say to everyone:

You can put on another CAN NOT take of your skin.

And let me tell you - for at least 4 months out of the year in AZ - you really want to rip off your skin...I am not kidding.

Melissa said...

I couldn't agree more... I nominate your to head the state's tourism board.

cupcake monkey said...

So so funny!!! And so true. When we first moved here last January, we were in love with the mild winter. Summer was wonderful because we had just moved from swampass New Orleans...but now, it's just HOT! Really HOT! My aunt and uncle were here from VA this weekend....."It's really not so bad!" :D


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