I Am Not This.

"I have a black suit that would fit you," she tells me. A plea of sorts.
("Get in the pool. Have fun!" is what she means.)
"Oh no, I'm ok. It's too...sunny...out? And um...I'll just sit in the shade"
(Lame. "I am far too fat and self conscious to put on spandex, even in front of you." is more the truth.)
(I mean. Really? 'Too sunny'? Is that the best I had?)

Disclosure: As I write this, I finish the mini- tub of ice cream I started 3 nights ago. It had Butterfinger bits in it.

And so I sat. On the patio. As my husband and my mother in law played with my kids in the pool. My husband, who really doesn't care how I look in black spandex. My mother in law, who offered me a suit with no apologies about what size it might be or whether or not she looked perfect in hers (she did). My kids, who love to feel my skin and play with my hair, and kiss my cheeks. Who think I am beautiful.

Lame. No. Not lame. Fucking foolish. I am fat and it's standing in my way. It stops me from shopping for cute clothes. It keeps me from ordering dessert, lest I be the fat chick pigging out on cake. It makes me embarrassed to feel on display. I do a presentation at work, and spend more time worrying about how fat I am from a particular angle than patting myself on the back for nailing it. I would rather do most anything than tell someone how much I weigh.

I refuse to swim with my kids or even wear shorts because I am too busy obsessing over how bad I look. This makes me an egotist. No one cares how bad I think I look nearly as much as they care how great I think they look.

I've started and stopped and started and stopped on Weight Watchers eleventy billion times since Rohan was born. Because, all of the above statements holding true, there's also this truth: I feel more beautiful as a mom than I ever did before. Twisted, right??? I am fatter than ever and hate my body. And, I love who I am and I feel beautiful. Worth it.

Tonight, I put on a swimsuit and jumped into a public pool. Figuratively only, of course, but it was painful enough, and yet freeing enough. I stepped on a scale in front of someone I know personally...someone I see in the office 5 days a week. I made the commitment to myself to put 8 weeks into losing weight and see what happens. I have the support of 2 co-workers and 8 other competitors. I have $40 in the game, and the chance to win up to $220 if I win.

I have me back. I have decided I am worth it. I accepted that this (this number on the scale) is me, but I am not it. I am better than that. And I WILL stick to it.

8 week goals:
- Weigh in every week
- Lose every week

That's it. I'm done with numbers for tonight, as I'm still working on accepting and then moving down from the number I saw on the scale this evening. So rather than thinking in numbers, I am thinking in positive affirmations.

I am worth this because I am more than this.