Studio Shots.

Darrick's mom really, really wanted a big family picture, so she reserved the date and time 4 weeks in advance so everyone could take time off and be there. The boys, in collared shirts with long sleeves and ties. The girls, in cute tops and heels and lip gloss. The kids, even in a tie (his) and a new dress (hers), looking quite Baby Gap.

And this, my friends, is the list that results from this experience. We're calling this list "Why You Should't Rely on a Department Store Portrait Studio":

1. Because one of you will wear jeans since all your 'nice' pants are not clean, and the 'photographer' won't think to crop them out or put that person in back.

2. Because the studio will actually be one small room the size of my kitchen with, apparently, no air conditioning. And it will be 105 and humid outside....and feel the same inside.

3. Because your kids? They look adorable, but they really, really are not amused by said small, hot room.

4. Because portrait studios don't Photoshop out the sweat beads on your forehead or the drool on your 15 month old's button-down.

5. Because the so-called photographer will fumble with the DLSR she is using, taking 1 shot per pose and never saying 'cheese' or '1, 2, 3' or even 'look this way, assholes' in order to ensure that 8 adults, 2 toddlers, and 1 newborn are all looking toward the camera when the shutter releases.

6. Because after you sweat through 30 minutes of pictures and change into the 'just for fun, we only need 1 or 2 shots in these clothes' clothes, so-called photographers boss will come in and inform you the flash has not worked and all the sweat and smiles and juggling sleepy kids was for naught.

7. Because your Mother-In-Law, bless her, will refrain from beating the SCP about the neck and head with  a mini chaise lounge designed for kids, and instead will say, "Just take as many as you can get in these outfits." And so your formal family picture will end up being a group shot of 8 adults, 2 toddlers, and 1 newborn in jeans and tie-dye.

I promise, if I get a digital copy of these pictures I am going to share. Because, really, it's too mind-bogglingly ridiculous not to.