Back in the day, before I had babies and when I had the luxury of imagining myself as 'sooooo fat' as opposed to the uncomfortably recognition that, um, dude?...I'm fat....I did yoga.
Lots and lots of yoga.
I belonged to an all-women's gym in those days, and the girl who taught my favorite class, Body Flow, had a really nice ass. I say that in the most hetero way possible. In all candor, I kept going back to that class with the hope in my little heart that someday my ass would resemble hers.
It never did. But it WAS a much smaller ass than the one I am currently sporting, and it was attached to a body that was flexible and had a good sense of balance to it. I probably should have been at least mildly offended when the old biddies in class would commend my 'surprising' nimbleness because what they were really saying was that a chubby chick shouldn't be able to bend like that. But instead I just smugly thanked them and reminded myself that they wished to be ME just as I wished to be Hot Yoga Ass Girl.
And then I got pregnant with Luca. I kept going to the gym through most of my pregnancy, up until bacterial gastroenter-something-something struck me down while on a trip to Mexico. And then I just never really went back. I wanted to. Heaven knows I needed to. But motherhood was a rising tide of leaky body and lovesick swooning and sleepless nights. And if we're being honest it's the sleepless night that did me in more than anything. Luca was a puff of magic in our lives, but at night she was more like Puff the Magic Dragon. I quite literally would fall asleep half sitting with her nursing, and wake at 4:30 when she was ready to be up for the day, her still semi-attached to me and my legs numb and arms and neck cricked and crunched. If ever I needed yoga, it was then. But that fatigue was all-consuming and sleep was at a premium. Add to it the late bedtime and early morning hours kept by our resident Diva, and a soul-gripping need to be with her as much as humanly (and, sometimes, inhumanly) possible and there was just No Time For The Gym.
So, yoga and Body Flow disappeared from my life. And I managed, but after Rohan came along I noticed a few things about my new body that upset me. I mean, in addition to the extra weight I am still struggling with, there were other changes. Stiffer shoulders. More lower back pain. A tightness in my hips. Sore feet and tired bones. When I was on maternity leave I proudly started the 30 day shred, and though I did blog about it it's too embarassing a failure to even link to now. It went by the wayside as soon as I was back at work and had both a baby who was not fond of sleeping through the night, and a toddler AND baby who thought anything later than 5:15 a.m. was highly unsuitable an hour to sleep in until.
But now here I am, still picking away slowly at the numbers on the scale and trying to get back to some sense of 'me'. I am not ready nor in a position in terms of schedule to rejoin a gym. It's just not going to happen, since it would necessitate leaving my house after 9 pm or before 5 am to work out AND not miss out on the time with my kids. And if you don't know this about me already: I am a fool for those children and would move mountains for more time in the day with them.
So I've dusted off my old friend Denise Austin and decided to give yoga a whirl again. And I remembered right away why I love it. It won't burn 1,000 calories...sure...but it does make me feel stronger, taller, leaner, more graceful, and more centered. And those are the things I need in life. I can attest tot he fact that not doing yoga in 3+ years has left me unstable, unsteady, and uncoordinated. But my body will re-learn the joy of a good stretch and the power of being 'surprisingly nimble' once again. And more than that, it's giving me a time to focus on me, to re-center and re-balance and re-connect to myself physically and mentally.
Here's to being a yogi once more!