Five Degrees of Self Censorship

Do you read CJane? If not, I think you should. And I could list the copious reasons why I love her blog, but I won't do that. Instead, I'll give you a short list. And also I will say this: I only started reading CJane a few months back, but I've been following her sister NieNie for over a year now. So I've only scratched the surface of the greatness of her blog, I'm sure.

Ok, the reasons:
- She painted a room gold. Which...totally not my style, but I have to admire the guts.
- She posted this one time about getting older, and it rang true to me.
- Because I can relate to this post about pregnancy and giving up the need to 'control' the whole process.
- I don't know a single woman who can't relate to her post about going gracefully into the next phase.

BUT. My point wasn't to moon over CJane*, though I am fairly certain we could be fast friends even if on the surface we have little in common other than our mommyhood and the shmoopiness we feel over it.

My point was that she wrote a post about the 11 people she thinks about when she blogs once, and it was exactly what I'd thought about many times. I struggle often with balancing what I want to write with what someone might think about what I write. This is 'my' space really...a live journal and memory-keeping tool of sorts. And so I try to tell myself "Self, just write what you want to write and who cares what someone reading might think?!?!"

So that is what I try to do. I write, and then I click 'Publish' and I walk away. And largely I don't think about it again. I get the ocassional comment but I tend to block out thoughts of who is reading and why and what they might think.

But then again...I don't, not entirely. I mean, I may write things and walk away without worrying about who's reading them, but I don't write everything because I do wonder who reads it and what they're thinking. So, instead of the 11 people I think about before writing, here are the 5 topics I'm afraid to touch because of who might be reading:

1. The "Mommy Wars" (stay at home, working, single, and who is the BEST MOM EVER while the rest are lazy or uninvolved or what-have-you)
2. Breastfeeding. I HAVE posted about it before, but it kinda makes me feel...ooky. Not knowing who's reading about it. I think it is important to talk about and I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't think everyone wants to know the details.
3. Work. Because, um...Dooce, anyone?
4. My boss, my mom, my inlaws. Good, bad...it matters not. I won't talk about them here.
5. My husband. I mean, sure I talk about him here and there, but I'd rather not delve into the deep stuff when it comes to him. I'm not sure it's my place.

But...sometimes I DO want to write about those things. Well, most of them. Not my mom or my inlaws, since they are perfect specimens of wonderment so I've nothing more to say.

Maybe 2010 will be the year I let go of the worry and write whatever comes to mind. Maybe.


*And, most of all, this post about wisdom hit me in the gut.