Thursday, October 8, 2009

If They Only Knew

Tonight I had about an hour at home between when I got off work and when I had to head to the airport for a 2 day meeting in Reno. It was just enough time to throw everything in my bags and snuggle the kids. Rohan was so cute, waking up from his late afternoon nap all smiles. I lifted him out of the crib and to my chest, where he reached out with his big mutton hands, grabbed my cheeks, and burrowed his face into mine. He gave baby kisses too - those open mouthed exuberant droolfests that leave your cheek or chin dripping and make you laugh like a damn fool. I love how unencumbered babies and kids free with their emotions and their expressions of love. I can be in the WORST mood, and then that little muffin-butt grabs my cheek and swings one arm around my neck to run his hands through my hair, nuzzling his forehead into mine, and I can't help but smile.

He's too young, obviously, to get that I was about to head out to the airport and leave him for 2 nights. But this was the first time I had a work trip planned where Luca sort of 'got' it. I don't think she understood what 'going out of town' means when I left tonight, but I'd be willing to bet when she wakes tomorrow and I'm not back she will know. Which, really, breaks my heart.

I tried to sort of prep her in advance for my leaving by talking to her about my trip, and how I'd be leaving on a plane and there would be 2 nights where Mama wouldn't be home. Being 2, she took 'leaving on a plane' and translated it to 'going to the moon and back' (you parents know that one...). So last night and today she kept saying, "Mama's going to the moon and back!". It was SUPER cute up until I was putting on my shoes and choking back tears, and she said to me, "Can Luca go to the moon and back too?". I told her that I had to go alone, but tonight when she goes to sleep she can meet me there in her dream. Not that she gets it,'s more for me and my aching conscience than anything.

So I get to the airport and manage to pull myself together so I'm not crying at security, and then my flight is delayed. It was nearing her bedtime, so I called home to tell her goodnight. She told me she'd see me on the moon, and then she said, "And Mama? MAMA! Luca loves you Soooooooo much!". And I just knew that if I could have seen her at that moment, she would have been standing with her arms stretched out to the sides as far as they would go, balancing up on her tippy toes.

At that moment, I wanted to share her sweetness with the people around me. I almost felt bad keeping it for myself, like holding onto something that sweet and amazing and beautiful and not sharing it with the WORLD is crule. I wanted to tell the emo girl standing behind me in line...the middle aged woman whose kids are probably way past the emotive stage and probably into the phase where they think their mom is the enemy...the grandma and grandpa in front of me, who were smiling while trying to pretend NOT to be listening in on my conversation. I wanted to put my kid on speakerphone and share the cuteness with them. I wanted to put them on the phone and let them talk to her, to experience the sweetness that is Luca. I felt sad for them that she was not theirs. And SO happy for me...because she IS MINE.

I love those kids. I can't wait to see them on Friday!!

1 comment:

Sharon said...

You make me cry with your sweet heart. =)


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