Trusting the Mom in Me.

It's taken some time, and one beautiful, healthy, sparkling and brilliant toddler to teach me this lesson: how to trust the Mom in Me. Motherhood is a great challenge in many ways, but in so many more it's the greatest joy. It teaches you the depths of your love and appreciation for others (your child, your spouse, the people your kids call 'uncle' and 'aunt' or 'grandma' and 'grandpa'), and if you pay enough attention it can teach you to love and appreciate yourself even more.

When Luca was born, she was 6 lb, 7 oz. I remember when they told us what she weighed, Darrick and I both responded with shock, and asked if they were sure. The whole time I was pregnant, I heard over and over "That is going to be a BIG baby!", and I believed it. Neither my husband nor I are petite and delicate, and we come from families chock full of tall people, curvy people, strong and able people. So when Luca came out well under 7 pounds, we were genuinely surprised. And that was just the beginning of a long couple of weeks of constant worry, stress, crying, fear, doubt, and guilt. Because no matter how hard I tried...how many times I nursed her in 24 hours (and believe me, it was A LOT of times!)...how many pumping sessions I fit in when I should have been napping...how many friends and lactation consultants and kind ears I talked to, she did not gain weight easily. It took her more than 3 weeks to return to her puny birthweight, and in that 3 weeks she went to the Pediatrician about every 3 days to have her weight checked. Those appointments were great stressors for me and for Darrick, and I can only imagine Luca's little newborn self was stressed by them as well. She would cry, I would cry, and I'd leave frustrated and feeling inadequate because despite my best intentions I could not seem to get my baby to gain weight by breastfeeding. I was at a loss to why I was 'broken' and disappointed in myself. Surely, I must be doing SOMETHING wrong or, worse, there must be something wrong with ME, if I couldn't get this to work.

By the time she was a month old, Luca was slowly gaining, but it took until she was 9 months old for her to get over the 5th percentile in weight. I got comments all the time from people who fussed over how small she was or couldn't believe she wasn't a preemie. It killed me inside. I tried pumping to increase supply. Supplements (fenugreek, blessed thistle, mother's milk tea) to increase supply. Food (oatmeal and 2 eggs every morning without fail) to increase supply. I was resigned to supplementing with pumped milk and (reluctant small doses of)formula. And I felt like I was broken the entire time.

Luca weaned herself right around 11 months. A huge part of me felt immense pride that I'd faced all those obstacles and managed to nurse her for so long. But a bigger part felt like I'd been robbed of what I had hoped would be a beautiful and natural experience. Breastfeeding was something I wanted to do for my baby's health, for myself, and for the ease and convenience. Instead, it took over my life in many ways. I feel pride now when I hear Luca say a new word or see her smile and I think "MY body made her, my body grew her, and my body fed her for 11 months.", but I worry that pride will forever be overshadowed with memories of the difficulty, tears, and self-doubt.

I went into this pregnancy, in spite of all of that, knowing I would breastfeed again. I know it seems like an odd choice, like I am some kind of lactating masochist, but I just thought this baby deserved as much of an effort on my part as Luca did. I know many, many women who formula feed their beautiful and brilliant babies and it works for them, and I fully support the right of a parent to decide what works for them and what they are comfortable with. But for me, breast IS best, and I think a baby deserves my time and effort to give them the best. If not now, when they are tiny and I am their world, when? And I'm so happy I decided that, because my experience this time has renewed my belief in myself. I could attribute this success to a lot of things.

First, I know what I am doing. This makes a WORLD of difference for me. I knew what my challenges would be, and how to move past them. I didn't stress when we had latch issues, because I knew how to work with them. I wasn't worried when he got lazy and fell asleep while nursing because I could wake him and keep him going. I didn't mind the endless marathon hours of sitting on the couch with a baby attached to me, because I knew this was what I needed to let him do so he could help my milk come in and so he could learn what HE was doing. It's just much easier to have perspective when you have...well...perspective, if that makes sense.

Second, he knew (somewhat) what he was doing. Luca was not a natural nursing. It took a lot for her to 'get' it, and with me not knowing what *I* was doing, it was the uphill battle to trump all other uphill battles. I had to help her a lot, and nursing was tiring and something I sort of dreaded until she was almost 4 months old. Rohan 'got' it more quickly. In fact, the first time I tried to nurse him, he latched right on.

Third, I had people around me at the birth who supported nursing and helped make it happen. My MW has 7 kids, all of whom she breastfed. Her apprentices, between them, have at least 7 more (one apprentice I never asked, but the other two have 5 kids and 2 kids), all breastfed. They supported me and advised me. In fact, one of the women there helped me get Rohan latched for the first time by giving me the simplest of directions. Does that ever happen to you? You're trying and trying to do something, and suddenly someone says, "Do X and it'll work." and you think "Yeah, like it's THAT easy?" and...lo and behold...it IS that easy? Anyhow, in addition to them, Darrick was there and supporting me. In contrast, at the hospital with Luca I had minimal help and no consistency to it.

Fourth, I was able to nurse right away, basically. I gave birth, got out of the tub and got warm, and went straight to feeding my baby. With Luca, more than 3 hours passed between her birth and my first attempt at nursing her. Those three hours were critical and I am sad I can never get them back.

Which brings us back to the central issue in this post. Breastfeeding was going well and I was feeling confident, and then I had to take Rohan to the Pediatrician. On my MW's scale, he was 8 lb 12 oz at birth. At his 2 day check up with the Pedi, he was 8 lb 3 oz. She wasn't worried, as it's normal for newborns to lose up to 10% of their birthweight, so long as they regain it by about 2 weeks, or put on 0.5 - 1 oz per day. Well, we returned to the Pedi (to have his cephalohematoma checked) at 4 days, and he was up to 8 lb 5oz. Smashing, no? Fast forward to a week later (11 days), and he was...8 lb 5 oz. Seven days with no gain and suddenly I was having flashbacks. This Pedi (same practice, different Dr from Luca's) wasn't overly concerned, but asked us to come in a week later to recheck his weight. All I could imagine was twice a week visits where I stressed, they pushed formula at me, I cried in my car on the way home, and I was ashamed to tell people I was supplementing.

We left the appointment, and I was surprised because though I was stressed over the scale not moving, I was not feeling lost and in despair like I had with Luca. For some reason, I just KNEW everything was ok. He was eating well and had all the signs of a healthy baby. I said to Darrick (and anyone else who would listen) that I thought maybe this was just how my kids were...perhaps I didn't MAKE chubsters? Perhaps my kids don't GET fat and happy? Perhaps there was nothing to worry about at all, and just like Luca is healthy and brilliant and beautiful despite her skinny start, maybe Rohan will be too?

And so I thought a lot about it that weekend, and on Monday I called my MW to talk. I explained to her what was going on and how Rohan was doing, and I asked for her expert input. She assured me that I could be right...that perhaps I didn't make chubsters and my kids don't get fat and just like Luca is healthy and brilliant and beautiful despite her skinny start, so might Rohan be. She cited studies on breastfed vs formula fed babies, mentioned how breastfed babies tend to be thinner b/c they process mom's milk more efficiently than formula, etc. And then she offered to have us come by and have him weighed on her scale...the same one he'd been weighed on shortly after birth...to see how he was doing. I agreed.

I took him to see her when he was 16 days old. We chatted, I nursed him while she and her two apprentices peeked in to be sure his latch was good, she snuggled him and cooed over him, and then he was weighed. Eight pounds, twelve ounces. He weighed exactly what he had at birth...and exactly what he SHOULD at 2 weeks. Victory!!! I called and cancelled his follow-up appointment for that Friday. Darrick was a bit worried. He fully supported me cancelling the appointment (primarily because we have a $25 copay and that man will stop short at almost nothing to save some cash!) but he started making comments here and there about how there is nothing WRONG with supplementing and how we have 2 free cans of formula in the kitchen (thanks for your faith in women, Similac) and he didn't mind making bottles, etc etc etc. I told him thanks but no thanks. I told him if he thought my supply was low, I'd pump and we could feed Rohan what I pumped. I told him, "You know what I think? I think I never even HAD a problem when Luca was born. I don't think I was broken at all, but that I let my spirit be broken by worry and fear. I won't let that happen this time. I just KNOW Rohan is ok."

So we pumped and fed bottles after I nursed. Only once a day most days, but enough to appease the hubby and assure us both I AM indeed making plenty of milk. And I refused to stress out over how much he was or was not gaining. I just had faith he would be ok. The Mom in Me knew it to be true.

Rohan had a 1 month appointment this morning. He is 32 days old. When we put him on the scale, I almost squeeled with joy to see that he weighed 9 lbs, 12 oz. In 21 days, he gained 1 lb, 7 oz. His Pedi wanted to see him gain at least 25 grams per day, and he gained 33! The Mom in Me knew he was ok...knew I was doing right by him...knew there was nothing to be gained from stressing and worrying and doubting myself and my body and my baby.

This is an art I am learning. I am discovering ways to shut out the noise of other people, as well-meaning as they may be. I am figuring out ways to be true to me and do what I know to be best for my kids. I won't win all the battles (let's not even talk about circumcision) and I won't always be right, but I am learning that I can trust myself. I'm learning that, as far as moms go, I happen to be a pretty kick-ass one! And I think I'm giving a real gift to my kids in trusting myself and listening to my own voice. Not only will they grow up with a mom who's true to herself, but they will also grow up with a mom who trusted THEM to fulfill their part of the equation. I am really learning to embrace the challenges of motherhood and not compare my experience and those of my kids to the experiences of others. It's freeing.

Expecting A Second Kid? Things You REALLY Need.

I was in the shower this evening (otherwise known as partaking in the only 15 minutes I get without someone attached to me/talking to me/wanting to eat/wanting to play/needing me) and it occured to me that I was woefully unprepared to be a mom of 2 under 2. Not mentally, nor emotionally, but in terms of gear. So I thought I would put together MY list of things moms expecting #2 should be sure to have on hand, in the hope that someone reading this blog will benefit from my steep learning curve.

1. A sling and/or wrap. Better yet, three. This way, you can keep one in your car, one in your diaper bag, and one in the dirty laundry pile (because if your newborn doesn't vomit or poop on it, your toddler will find some way to funk it up). The sling has made it possible for me to do a lot of things:
- Shopping with both kids by myself. Because Luca HATED her stroller until 2 weeks before Rohan was born, and now FREAKS if he's in it and she's not...
- Taking the kids to the park. Luca can run free and I can hold Rohan without needing to lug around a stroller, and my hands are free to grab Luca if I need to.
- Eating. No. Really. I can't tell you how many meals I've eaten in the past 4 weeks with Rohan strapped to me in a sling. Babies have a sixth sense, and they always seem to need to be held right about the time you're sitting down to eat. Prop him in the sling, and he gets held while I get fed.
- Playing in the backyard with Luca. I don't have to find a safe and shady spot to park Rohan because the safe and shady spot is attached to my body...and happens to be his favorite place to hang out anyhow.
- Housework. This is mostly hypothetical, as I've never been one for doing a lot of housework even without 2 kids to care for, but when I need to run out to throw some laundry in or I need to vacuum the rug before someone comes over and is appalled at the layer of dog hair covering it, the sling comes in handy. It would be even MORE useful if the sling came with a maid, but beggars can't be choosers....

2. A BrestFriend pillow (breastfeeding moms only). If this pillow and the Boppy got into a wrestling match, the BrestFriend would make the Boppy its bitch. It's firmer and larger, and the fucker STRAPS to you. Yes, people, you can tether a pillow around your (now cushy and non-existent) waist, plop the baby on, and carry on with life. This means you CAN sit on the floor and feed the little one while 'playing blocks' with the toddler. It means you CAN sneak in a meal while baby sneaks in a meal, because you can basically nurse hands-free. It also means that when you go back to work and don't want to wake 20 minutes earlier than your already obscenely early wake-up time, you can plop baby on for a meal, set up a mirror on the pillow, and apply your make-up. Multi-tasking at its finest!

3. Hand-held snacks. Because you can dream of heating up that frozen meal your super-nice friend delivered to you, but the truth is you'll be lucky to get a piece of cheese and a Diet Coke in your system some days when home alone with a toddler and an infant. So stock up with one-handed foods (yogurt drinks, granola bars, chips, fruit, etc) that you can eat while multi-tasking.

4. A good digital camera. We got our DSLR for Christmas, and part of the reason was that our old digital was barely keeping up with Luca. We wanted something that would capture all those magical moments and take good pictures even when the photographer (usually me) is too tired to worry about composition or lighting. SO worth it. As a bonus, invest in a big memory card that will store a shitton of pictures. You won't be sorry.

5. A yoga/birth ball. It was helpful while I was pregnant, but its true worth is found when you have a fussy newbon who just wants to bounce. That thing has saved our sanity more times than I could count, between Luca and Rohan, and we couldn't manage without it. Get one. You will NOT be sorry.

6. Patience, a fabulous partner who lets you take a 2 hour nap while he takes both kids to the park, and a sense of humor. And coffee. LOTS of coffee on those days when you didn't get much sleep the night before and have to function for your toddler while your newborn sleeps all day.

Great News!

You may remember I mentioned Rohan's cephalohematoma in a previous post. It's an injury he sustained in birth because he was trying to be born with his hand by his face.

Well...observe:


3 Days Old


4 Days Old


23 Days Old


23 Days Old

We were originally told it should 'begin' to resolve in about 3-4 weeks, but could take 6 months to 1 year to be completely gone. He'll be 4 weeks on Monday, and it's almost non-existent already! Go Rohan!!

Sweet

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years, married 5. So when he surprises me by coming home with a clutch of wildflowers he picked on his way home one day, my heart sings. It's things like this that remind me why we choose this journey of life together. Because marriage IS a choice, every day, and I'm honored he chooses me.

What's Happening

I've been lax about updating my blog, mostly because I am either nursing a newborn or managing a toddler (or both) at all hours of the day. Rohan's still such a cool baby. He sleeps well, eats well, and is getting cuter by the day. He is a good mix of Darrick and me, but ultimately he really looks like Luca did as a baby. Witness:


Luca


Rohan


Rohan


Luca

He's doing really well overall. His hematoma is shrinking and he's eating well. My pediatrician was worried because on her scale he's weighing in below his birth weight of 8 lb 12 oz (last appointment with Pedi he was 8 lb 5.5 oz). I took him back to my MW so she could weigh him on the scale he was weighed on after birth, and he was still 8 lb 12 oz, which is actually exactly where he 'should' be (babies are expected to be back at birth weight by 2 weeks post-birth). So I'm refusing to worry about it. He's such a happy and content baby, I know he's perfectly fine. And, once again, I love my MW for getting me in her schedule and reassuring me all is fine.

Two Weeks In.

Rohan is two weeks old today. It seems impossible that two weeks ago right now, I was just realizing I was in labor, and within mere hours I would give birth to a beautiful and BIG baby boy!

We're doing great. post-partum hormones aren't as bad this time around as they were the first time, breastfeeding is easier and going much better, and Rohan is a much more mellow baby than Luca was. Don't get me wrong: she was a great baby, but he's just less inclined to cry randomly and more inclined to nap for 2 straight hours on my chest. So sweet. I have to brag too, about Luca, because she has really taken to being a big sister. She always wants to sit next to me while I feed Rohan, and she gives him kisses or asks to "See baby feet!". She even 'helps' me burp him. Awwwww...she was born to be a big sister!! Best of all, she's perfected saying his name, telling people about her Baby Rohan. I love that girl more and more every day. For every mom expecting a second and worried about how you'll feel about them compared to the first or whether your love for your first will change, fear not! Having Rohan has made me love and appreciate Luca even more than before. She's such a bright light in our lives.

I must say my husband has been amazing as well. He burps Rohan, he changes diapers, he helps with bathtime, he gets me a bottle of water before bed, he makes me breakfast, and he's stepped up his game even MORE than usual with Luca. Anyone who knows Darrick knows he ADORES that girl and is an awesome dad already, so to be an even awesomer (not a real word, but who cares?) dad is quite a feat. He's the best!!

I know I just posted a ton of pictures, but I HAVE to share these as well. My friend Adrian is starting up a photography business (how lucky am I that I always seem to have friends starting up photography businesses???), and she came to get newborn pics of Rohan. Poor Adrian caught him at a time when he decided to NOT be sleepy and content, so she waited almost 2 hours to get the perfect sleeping newborn shots. And THEN, after she displayed such patience, he peed on her blanket and then his cord stump fell off on it. Nice, Rohan. Real classy! Regardless, she did an amazing job capturing my little sweetheart and his big sis. Here are her pictures. And if you're looking for someone to take pics for you in the East Valley, check out her website at http://canyonphotographyaz.blogspot.com/

You may notice in these and some of our other pictures that our boy has what appears to be a really lumpy head. What he has is actually a cephalohematoma, or a collection of red blood cells between his scalp and his skull. It's not harmful, and will reabsorb into his body over time. Most babies who have these get them from medical interventions such as forcep or vacuum extractions, but Rohan got his from coming out with his hand by his face and getting 'stuck' for a bit. Poor bruiser did battle with Mommy and lost. :)