Why "Mom" Is Almost Always Synonymous With "Designated Driver"

- Becaause your alcohol tolerance is laughably low after 1 pregnancy...and after 2 in 2 years, your teeth are numb before you've even decided if you like the wine.

- Because after 1 glass of wine, you find yourself whooping and being the lone clapper when the comedian makes a funny...and you can't be certain it WAS funny.

- Because you'll flicker between the emotional extremes known as elation (over a night out with no kids...and with wine...and with friends...and without diapers to change) and sadness (over a night out with no kids...and the cost of the wine...and how rarely you get together with said friends...but not over no diapers to change). And sadness MIGHT win. Why? Because: wine.

- Because when you go to pick the kids up, you don't want the sitter to know you've been drinking, thus giving this adorably patient girl the upper hand. ESPECIALLY when your eldest is 2 years and 3 months old and this is the first time she's been 'sat' by someone other than family or close friend.

- Because the 'pretty shoes' that made you feel like a cute mom at 5:30 are making you feel like a pig on stilts at 9:45.

- Because you just admitted to starting the night at 5:30 and ending it at 9:45, and are acutely aware that your evenings PRE-spawn STARTED at 8:30 and ended whenever Denny's kicked your drunk crew out.

- Because you don't give two shits about nights starting at 8:30 with pre-drinking and ending at 3 am with coffee and pancakes when you have HER and HIM and HOME waiting for you.

- Because when you pick them up, SHE will smile THAT smile and say, "Oh, it's my MAMA!" and tackle your kneecaps. And HE will stare up to you, huge smile lighting up his whole face, and eagerly kick until you lift him to your level so he can GOO and COO and bury his face in your face.

- Because SHE will giggle and tell you about her best friends the whole ride home, while HE falls asleep with his chubby fingers clasped around a toy.

- Because SHE will want 2 sips of milk, a round of "Twinkle Twinkle" and some snuggles before falling fast asleep in her Halloween jammies, blonde hair french braided by the sitter.

- Because HE will wake when you try to seamlessly transition him from carseat to crib, and nothing at all will make him fall asleep faster than being rocked in your arms, close to your heart.

- Because you will kiss her sweet peach cheeks and nuzzle his hot neck, feeling his hair tickle your cheek. And you'll realize that THIS is the highlight of your night. Not the wine. Not the comedians on stage. Not the dinner eaten without worry over whether SHE is eating enough and bouncing HIM on your knee. Not even the laughter and friends. THIS all-consuming sweetness, fresh and clean and warm and soft as spun silk. Better than wine.